self-evaluation

Last Monday, our music director asked us to evaluate ourselves in terms of our contribution to the group. Are we the kind of person who really loves making music? Or are we there because we are forced to be there? Or is it because the idea that you are part of a famous group is very inviting?

I will not discuss in detail the events that took place before this assignment coined “self-evaluation” was given. But being obedient, I did my own little way of evaluating my contribution to the group.

So one evening, after dinner, I began exploring the possibilities, the what-could-have-been moments.

I missed choral singing. I missed performing. And I want to experience these two again.

However…

In terms of contribution in various engagements, I got 0. I was not able to join engagements because of my schedule. And working in Mintal is also a big factor that hinders me to be there on time. My class ends at 5:30 p.m. and usually, call time for engagements is always 6:00 p.m.

Attendance is worst compared to contribution. Lately, I had more absences compared to the previous months. I have to look into so many things in the office lately and giving 3 nights a week for rehearsals is getting more difficult considering my work load and location.

And I know how hard it is for our music director to face different people every rehearsal.

So I decided that perhaps I should rest for now.I believe that I will be a nuisance to the group if I force myself to perform half-heartedly. But I am more than willing to work for the group I love not on stage but off stage (for now).

***

I stopped performing in 2003 and decided to work behind the console. Now, I am performing inside the technical booth. Preparations for off stage performance (lighting design, set design, costume, props, script) is very different compared to how actors prepare for a play; in this context, musicians/singers prepare for a concert.

I get so excited everytime I have to think of a set design; and the level of excitement would gradually increase from thumbnail sketches to construction. I get so worked up with lights and its effect on the audience. I get worked up with details from colors to matching up costumes, accessories and lighting.

***

But then again, I still want to perform.

Hopefully, I will be given a chance.

***

Perhaps this is my little way of explaining myself. Perhaps this is my way of listening, evaluating and adjusting.

But to some, this is just plain excuse.

the IFP challenge

Going to Bohol for the first time is definitely an experience you would not dare miss but I went there not to spend a grand time basking under the summer heat but to be interviewed for a scholarship (IFP) I applied for last year.

I recieved an email telling me to confirm my attendance before May 22 for a panel interview scheduled last June 3, 2009. I was more than eager to do that. I booked my flight, asked some friends who were base in Cebu to get me a schedule of the supercat vessel going to Tagbilaran City, Bohol, and mentally and physically (AH1N1 paranoia) prepared myself for this trip.

fast forward…

June 3, 2009

I entered the room scared but I believed that was normal. I sat in front of 5 people, greeted them with a warm good morning and the interrogation began.

First question: If one of your parents died while you are outside the country, what would you do?

Second question: Why do you have to earn a degree when you can study these things in modules and books?

Third question: When will you stop studying?

I tried my best to answer these questions and all other follow-up questions. My interwiew lasted for 10 minutes but it felt like a lifetime.

As of now I don’t want to go back to Bohol. I don’t have any plans of reliving the tragic events that took place in Bohol. Right now I am going to avoid the Visayas. I might go back to Bohol, Cebu, or Leyte but not this year or the next 2 years.

Unless I can’t avoid it.

Right now, I am going to explore Mindanao and its secret caverns and passages. I wish I could explore Basilan and Jolo. I wish to go back to Dipolog and explore that area. I wish to go back to Pagadian with its interesting tricycle. Right now I wish to stay in Mindanao where I have rooted.

Are you diabetic? What is your blood sugar level?

I went to the hospital a few months back for an FBS (Fasting Blood Sugar) test just to check if my blood sugar level is still in normal range. I had to make sure that everything is normal to keep me sane. Blood testing has become my way of calming my self everytime I feel like I’m not feeling well.

And so I went to the hospital and underwent the whole process.

On my way out, I saw this poster. I had to take a picture of it to remind me of the symptoms of low and high blood sugar level.

But then again, when I ask my friend about this same topic, he told me that the boundary is 6 and on this poster, it is 7. What is the correct range for normal blood sugar level? Richard, my bro, panicked when he learned that his blood sugar level is 6.1 and he immediately went on a diet for more than a month already. The problem is, he did not consult a doctor. He simply trusted the Medical Technologist’s diagnosis that he is diabetic. But if you look at this poster, 6.1 is VERY NORMAL.

Enlighten me please.

Just a thought

“As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will.You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it’s harder every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back. Don’t be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.”

Getting Weak?

Spasm is defined as a sudden, involuntary contraction of the muscle. It is sometimes caused by anxiety and stress.

Lately, been suffering from localized muscle spasm and joint pains. Consulted a doctor already and I was advised to not carry anything that is heavy specially that I am scoliotic. I have been taking an anxiolytic lately to help me get some sleep although I am not taking it everyday – only when it is really necessary like now that there is a need for me to relax my muscles.

If it does not improve, then I have to see a neurologist.

On the other hand, I sent a message to Xavier, one of my high school best friends and a biologist informing him about my problem. If this is stress related, then talking to people about it will help according to basic psychology.

And you will really know who your TRUE FRIENDS are when you are in need. Xav sent a text message that he and Carlos will pay me a visit tomorrow night and perhaps will spend the night over so that we can talk about it, offer comfort perhaps.

Leslie Tom was also of big help by showing up in every last minute lunch break invitations and dinners. The company is really and greatly appreciated.

CeeJay for all the medical information and some more.

Thank you so much.